Monday, March 29, 2004

Of Stars and Hearts
After the world stood still and went blank... the heart remembered....

Everyday we live our lives the way we want it. We look forward to future as we enjoy our present. But there are times when we can't help but wonder about our past, for here lays the answer to the questions we dearly hold within ourselves. There are certain moments that will forever be etched in a man's heart and mind. In these moments, we find the true meaning of life itself...

I remember a long time ago, way back when I was in the fourth grade. I was quietly sitting at my chair during our science class. I was one of the most active in our class. Every question of the teacher, I tried to answer. Every opportunity that I can get to impress my teacher, I grab it. I was an achiever. For the past grading periods, I ranked first. I garnered dozens of praises from my instructors. Yet at that exact moment, I felt an unexplainable grief, for no reason at all. I had questions in my mind that I dare not ask myself for I behold not the answers. This kept my mind wandering for the whole of another boring class in science. The teacher was discussing astronomy and I wasn't interested. Then, out of the blue, the teacher called me. I stood up aghast and waited for her. She asked me a question. This question I’ll never forget, "How many stars are there in the heavens?" Of course, I had no answer. I can't think of a single number to save myself from the humiliation. Then, thank God, the bell rang. Instead of the usual shouting, the whole class remained still. They were quiet for they are witnessing a milestone in section D-1, the failure of the top 1. Ashamed of myself, I sat back down at my chair. Surprisingly, the teacher wasn't mad at me. She looked at the whole class as if she expected that no one could answer the question. She told us that our assignment was to tell to class how many stars are there in the evening sky. Seeing that this is my chance to redeem myself, I went home early to be able to count the stars. As I exit the school, a voice called me from afar. It was a soft voice that I could faintly hear among the crowd of students rushing home. It was my classmate Jane. I halted and wait for her as she ran towards me. "Don't feel bad about what happened in science class. You may be the first in class but that doesn't mean you know everything.” she said. "But still...” I tried to reason out. "Oh don't worry. I know what you’re thinking. I have an idea! It will be difficult if you count the stars alone, so why don't I accompany you tonight." I wasn't that sociable back then so I was surprised with Jane's suggestion. It wasn't a bad idea, and besides, I may need someone to help me record the numbers. We agreed to meet at my front yard at 8:00 PM.

The night was still young but I could already see plenty of stars in the sky. I won't forget that night. There was a cool breeze blowing and I felt a little chilly then, Jane arrived. When she approached me wearing her cute blue sweater, I felt sudden warmth. Maybe it was a sudden breath of warm air... after the usual pleasantries; we sat at the bench in the yard. Without further ado, I started counting the stars. It was a difficult task. Most of the time, I lost count. When I do, I look at her expecting that she was also counting. But to my surprise, she wasn't counting. Instead, I caught her staring at me and then she'll look up whenever we lock eyes. I didn't care about what she was doing so I continued counting on. An hour passed and I still can't count them all. The most number I can count is up to 925 stars. I pressed on counting. But each time I lose count, I get frustrated at myself. I remembered the feeling when I wasn't able to answer my teacher. Jane may have seen my face that's why she kept on saying that I should rest for awhile. She would even say that I should stop counting the stars coz it wasn't that important if I can't answer our teacher. Then, I felt her hands touch mine... A warm breeze suddenly blew... She told me that there were more important things to do... still I continued. Along the way, I was wiping the sleep off my eyes. Then, without knowing, everything went black. The last thing I saw was the face of Jane looking back at me.

I slept the whole night. When I woke up, I was lying in my bed. Then I remembered last night, I wasn't able to count the stars! I jumped up my bed and fear stroked me. What would I say if she asked me again? After being mad at myself for sleeping, I noticed a folded piece of paper at my table. I opened it and I saw a familiar handwriting. It was Jane's.


Dear Milo,


Hi. By the time you have read this, the sun would be shining in your window. And by this time, I may be at a plane going to Europe. My dad is working there as an architect and he wants us to live there. I didn't tell the class for I know that it would only make things difficult leaving you guys. I may be crying right at this very moment. But you know what, I'm kind of happy. Why? Because the last moments I spent there was spent with a special person... you... I’ll never forget you Little Milo Casey... take care always.


Forever yours,

Jane Lawrence


p.s. I counted up to 1222 stars...

Sadness suddenly cropped inside me. I suddenly remembered the little things Jane and I did. I’ll always remember that night when I saw her face so near to me. I won't forget the blue sweater she wore. I’ll never forget the moment when I felt her hand touch mine. I’ll never forget her... I can't help but feel sad for all along, I thought everything was just a coincidence. Hhhhhhhhaayyyyyyy.... then, I found myself staring at the ceiling of the classroom... our teacher entered the room. The first thing that came out of her mouth was my name. After I stood up, she asked me the same question that stupefied me yesterday. I started to say the number that Jane was able to count. And then, as if the same warm breeze that gave me warmth last night breathes unto I and I felt something unexplainable. The next thing I remember was saying the words, "There is only one star in the night sky, and now, she's leaving me behind...."

Monday, March 22, 2004

Broken Jaw
Oh well, it's already been five days since my infamous deed... hhaaayyyy... what can I say? I’m wallowing at my own misery... gggggrrrrr!!!! People may not know it but I’m trying my best not to look how I feel... xempre, db nakakabadtrip kung may taong kakilala mo na parang byernes santo ang mukha. Well, ganun ako e... i just can't get over the fact that I ruined everything... MAN!!! I’m simply nursing a broken heart... which leads me to another reason why I'm so damn wasted today... "Sing from your heart", that's what they said during the grad practice. Xempre, all I was able to sing were broken songs...


I simply can't live like this... Well actually, I'm already dead... how can I live if my life is already gone? What would I give just to give me the chance to bring back time and slap myself right then and there?


May kwento ako sa iyo... alam mo bang absent ako nung Friday? Absent ako kasi I needed to think... (naririnig ko ang phone, nag-ring, umaasa na si Monique.. iba pala.. someone unexpected yet so needed.. It's Kuya Emman.).. Yun, nag-absent nga ako out of depression n all... during that one day, nakapag-isipisip ako... i evaluated myself... i asked myself so many questions... i wrote the blog for that day just to steam out all of my frustrations.. And at the end of the day, I found answers to most of my questions about myself... believe it or not, i was able to find courage to beat the insecurities out of myself... now, i can really say that i want her back in my life...


A broken heart, a broken song, a broken soul, a broken me....


Thank GOD there are people who are sent by the Lord to mend these brokenness in me... 1st of all, thank you to the BLD youth communtiy especially to my shepherd, kuya emman... he's the best shepherd a lamb could ever have.. He simply rocks (kalog, galing mag-gitara, super bait, I simply see Jesus’ love in him)! Next is my dearest friends sa parish, my angel jelling, birthday girl Jeannette at tropang squires... syempre di ko makakalimutan ang aking sis (GAILE!!!!) at ang aking dear gemmie, thnx for always being there and thanks for the jawbreaker in my mouth.. It is simply unbelievable what a big ball of sweetness can do to a sad heart... of course, i'll never forget 4moseley, kahit talo ang boys sa volleyball, the best pa rin! Thanks for the uplifting words of security... and then, there is my bestfriend Carlo, could i ever ask for anything more?


At the end of this day, I found new strength to carry on... i found vigor to win her back... if ever it would be for a losing cause, it's ok, i'll still love her 'til this love has taken it's toll (reminds me of maroon 5).. I’ll just have to pick up the broken pieces... But right now all that is broken is my jaw... Ü

Friday, March 19, 2004

Love, actually...
It’s been a while... ever had that urge to write about that one thing that made your day so great, something called a "blog moment"? Honestly, when the end of the day comes, I always had that feeling. But of course laziness just comes along like a dagger in the chest. But I never thought that the day when I will end this slump of not posting anything will be brought about because of the pain I am experiencing now...

Imagine having everything working out for you, getting the one thing you really wanted in your life. Think of the day that you finally found true happiness. Imagine the joy of waking each day and having one thought in your mind - that you are so lucky to finally having found the one that makes you complete. Imagine the bliss, the exuberance, the fulfillment, the satisfaction of finally satiating the dearth in your heart... finally, you have found THE ONE...

Love, love, love... I once said that this love we say, almost everyday, is just an illusion that gives us this incredible sensation of happiness... I once said that when we sa "I love you", we really don't mean it that way. That rather, we're just saying that we like someone's looks, we like someone's demeanor, or we like someone, as a whole. Call me agnostic but that's how I viewed things after 3 failed relationships (all because of my fault). I thought that experiencing love at this age (teens) is so impossible. I thought that love as we teenagers know it is just a summation of minute electrical signals derived from various hormones that gives us this tingly feeling, this sudden rush of blood, whenever we find an attractive person. I thought that after experiencing and inflicting heartaches, I knew the truth about "love". I thought I was the one who has seen the light and that I am to bring light to those who are in the darkness of being "in-love". I thought I was right...... but I wasn't... I was down right stupid. I was too assertive and too naive to even comprehend the truth around me. Instead of seeking the truth, I was just forming this thick wall around me that would, ironically, shield me from the world and hide my vulnerability. I was a sick pathetic sissy boy. But now, I have finally found out that love is possible. And yes, I finally found love.

I realized that love is unexplainable. It is much too abstract than time, it is much complicated than any scientific theory, and it is more powerful than any atom bomb. It is what makes us wake up each morning. It is what makes the flowers bloom after the dew kisses its soft, delicate petals. It is what makes he birds chirp at cool morning breeze. It is what makes the ground below us hold on to it. It is what makes us live. Love, is the essence of life itself.

Yes, love is why I am writing right now, right here. Yet as love is what I have, it is hate that I behold. Hate, for myself. Why, you say? Imagine throwing a huge gold down the ocean... imagine spilling your only glass of water in the desert... imagine flunking because you forgot to pass a project... imagine thrusting a knife into your belly.. Imagine ruining the best thing in your life... imagine telling the one you love that whatever you have right then and there would not work out, for no reason at all.. Imagine... now tell me, don' I have the right to hate myself? Don’t I have the right to slap my face seventy times seven? Don’t I deserve to be mocked as the stupidest man alive? Well, I really don't know how much lashing I deserve, but one thing's for sure, I don't deserve her love... i am too stupid, too compulsive, too insecure, too weak, too afraid for her.. But you know what, even though this stupid guy doesn't deserve her, I still want her, I still want her in my life. I just don't know what to do if she ever walks out of the door and slams it shut. I just don't want to be alone again. But I know don’t have the right to be loved by her but I just want her to forgive me. It may be too much to ask but I really want her back... it's just too painful to lose that one person that could finally complete you. What can I say? She simply punctuates me. I love her so much...