Thursday, February 26, 2004

Well, It's Thursday...
This day, in one word... WWWWOOOOOOWWWW!!!

The day starts with me tossing and turning in my bed 'coz I need to right an expository essay for a very special person (guess who). Imagine waking up at 2:30 a.m. then setting the alarm again at 3:30 a.m. and this goes on and on until 6:00 wherein a decided to start writing.... so difficult!!

Oh well, next on the itinerary was to finish the list of extracurricular activities for the star scholarship. As I write all the things I achieved for the past four years of my life, I can't believe that I really hadn't done much. I claim to be a man of exceptional wit and skill yet I find myself at awe with so little achievements in my high school life. I know, I know... you'll say that I’m so
mayabang but to consider my boastful nature, I am but a bag of hot air...

Oh well, it was a great brief trip down memory lane. It was kind of tedious for I needed to dig up from the deepest crevices of this cobweb-infested cerebrum of mine the things that I did of worth. but at the end, I realized that I am a man of worth not because of what I have written on that paper, not because of the contests won, not because of the disappointments that lashed me, not because of the medals hung, and especially not because of the sacrifices that I made but because of the realization that I was a blessed man. Maybe the reason why the star scholarship required the list of achievements from 1st yr to 4th yr was not because they wanted to compare which candidate amounts more than the other but because the people from La Salle wanted their candidates to find the true meaning of the four years they've stayed in their high school. the curtains of the pilgrimage of my high school life is slowly drawing to a close, I am facing the aftermath of fours years worth of sweat, blood, and tears. God, whom gave me seeds to sow, is now knocking on my hut. He's checking up on how my crops are doing. Unfortunately, I wasn't a good farmer. For those whose harvest time is still far away, take care of your seedlings for when the time comes, you'll have to reap whatever you sow. only then will you realize the meaning of life...

Back to today's story...
I left the house at 930 hoping that I would arrive at DLSU in time for my 1045 interview. But as if I was wading against the waves of fate, I found myself stuck in a frustrating flood of traffic. My interview is fifteen minutes away and the sand in my hourglass isn’t slowing down... good thing I made it just in the nick of time...

Okay... so how did I fare in the interview? Using the words of the beloved Ms. Grace Salonga - THE MOUTH... I was so talkative! I don't know if it was the tension (but I really didn't feel nervous) or is it because I wanted to make an impression or maybe because I was experiencing an overflow in my adrenaline level... I don’t know... but man was I full of stories to tell the panel!! I was kind of scared coz I might have talked too much but after some thought, I felt happy. Maybe coz it feels good to be honest...

Oh well, the day doesn't end at the DLSU Boardroom 'coz I had to face the ordeal of going back to school. After eluding French, staying awake in finite math, and digesting the breaking news of digital LG, I found myself sitting in a tiled lab room, facing on e of the most dreaded sight of my known life... an adchem test! WAPASH!
Yup, an adchem test is the archenemy of Omar Castanar a.k.a. lazy boy a.k.a. don't study man a.k.a. don't listen to sir derez guy a.k.a. mister je deteste French/eco /adchem... it was like climbing a mountain, five times the height of Everest. At first glance, you wouldn't want to answer it but because of the inner being inside me (the STUDENT), I pushed forth but the path proved to be treacherous and eventually, I gave up. What does a guy who doesn't want to answer a test with seatmates who is either answering or chatting got to do? What else but to PARTY! . And party I did. well ranting and chanting senseless strings of emotional outbursts ranging from the reality that I have only answered six out of maybe thirty questions to my utmost eagerness to graduate and to leave my dreaded subjects behind wasn't really much of a party but it was a great way to burn myself up and spend the extra adrenaline that was building up inside me... oh the endeavors of the pot valiant youth of today!!!!

MAN! WHAT A DAY! Take care y'all (especially Gaile na may E, my beloved sis). Capish?

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Emotions: Boon or Bane?
For centuries, man has been enthralled to the great mysteries of the human emotion. It is said to be one of the most powerful forces in the universe. Its strength and potency is surpassed only by its mystery. For neurologists, they are uncanny electrical signals passed from one neuron to another. For poets, it is as strong as the moon above. For the Destiny's Child, it's what takes them over. But for a 16-year old guy, what is this emotion?
An unstable sand bed, this is the true nature of emotions. For me, it has been the lone catalyst that makes or breaks my day. I don't know why. Maybe it’s the hormones or something that made me behave this way. I have had fits of deep anguish and depression. Sometimes, I even feel like a lukaretz.
Swinging from one emotion to another is easy but there will come a time wherein so much switching takes its toll. And it looks like I am in the brink of an emotional overload. All week long I have been having fits of immense confusion and agnoia. Anxiety has filled my whole being. Majority of the day, I can't think clearly for my mind is drifting away to a place I have yet to see. My brain cells are wallowing in a sea of anxiety outbursts. I haven't done anything productive for more than a week!
This emotional overload has not only affected me as a student but also as a personal. I now realize that I have been living the life of a sleepwalker. I do what was required of me to do. Though I know not my purpose, I do for that is what society dictates me to do. I need to wake up. I need to get out of this slump. I need to beat this emotional yoke I am burdened with.

Monday, February 09, 2004

When Words Wet in the Way
I always had this love-hate relationship with words. People say I'm a man of words, for I am talkative. I say I'm a man of words for I tried my best to choose the best one when the need arises. But I don't know. There are times I love to talk about things under the sun. People find comfort in talking. Admit it or not, we feel insecurity in silence. There is always that weird feeling that elopes our very being when we can't utter a single word wherein our minds and hearts are teeming with thoughts that want to burst out but cannot. But sometimes I feel security in silence. When all people talk, they tend to lose grasp of the reality around them. Most of us talk to be accepted. We bicker senseless strings of incoherent words just to get ourselves into the clique. We squander our precious time and effort just to snoop on other people’s lives. As far as this culture of ours is concerned, I hate talking. Unfortunately, I am but a young man that is trying to make his way in this dog eat dog world. I cannot wade against this culture - this pop culture as they say.
But back to talking…
Believe or not, outside this school of ours, I am but a man of few words. I don't talk as much. I don't bicker as much. I don't gossip us much. And what do people think of this misfit of society called silence - weird. You don't talk - you're sad. You don't gossip - you're not in. You don't crack a joke or two - you're a lame loser. I know, you say I'm cynical; I say you're a pragmatist.
But resilient I may be, I can't resist talking, especially those that will give me the edge of looking as witty as possible. When you're just a simple no-name guy who lives in society of ballers, rockers, and talented people, what else can you do? And I hate myself for it. I succumb to everything I stand for (this reminds me of many a things). I am but weak and frail. Maybe this is a sole reason why I have fallen for someone who value silence as much as I do but upholds it a million times greater than me. And I believe that silence is a virtue for from it, God speaks and so does your heart. Maybe that is the sole reason why she is so perfect.
pauses to think of her...

...snaps back to reality
Man! I just hate this trap of the world! Maybe words are one those that lure man into perdition. Again, I don't know. I am but a nerd. A nerd who loves. A nerd who cares. I AM DYING TO TALK TO HER!! But maybe, just maybe, there are some things deeper than words...

Saturday, February 07, 2004

Half a Day at Bed, Half a Day Thinking
Coming home from your sweetheart's house after staying there and experiencing unexplainable bliss for over 3 hours and then sleeping at 10 o' clock in the evening which is too early for my nocturnal lifestyle but was something forced by my parents and then waking up at EXACTLY 5:30 in the morning in time to say good luck to my sweetheart for she is to take an entrance exam is practically what I needed to jumpstart my lazy weekend. Well, it wasn't really a jumpstart for I slept for five more hours before getting up. Oh well, I was just wondering, how did I wake up in the nick of time to say good luck to Nique (I thank you) without the aid of a handy-dandy alarm clock? may be it's instincts, may be it's pure luck and coincidence, may be it's because man sleeps an average of 8 hours a day (10 pm + 8 hours is = 6 a.m.), may be it's because of the biological clock that God graciously bequeathed on all of us, or may be because of the rhythmic expansion and contraction of this scarlet little lump in the upper left of my chest cavity that inexplicably expresses this incredible sensation , this superb gift by God, this emotion, this virtue, this something called love...
hhhmmm....
Well, after waking up at almost 11 a.m., I didn't think about it that much. maybe because of the fact that within the span of 5 hours (5:30 to 10:30), I woke up at least 3 times and felt that drowsiness which is obviously the aftershocks of a week that had a dearth for sleep and rest. as I finally had enough energy to stand up and walk, my first instinct never told me to go check on my face in the mirror or gargle or wash my face, unsurprisingly, a mysterious force pulled me to one of my greatest addictions.... the computer. as if by the will of involuntary muscular activity, I turned my lagging PC on and connected to the net via the all-famous, all-dependent, and all-expensive VIBE. And as I always do, I log on to marc, checked the mailbox, checked for friends (friendster), and after all these routine stuff, I looked at the monitor and reality splattered at my face, I have nothing else to do. Yes, maybe that is the culture of the youth today. After being drawn by the almighty computer and lured into its incredible prowess and spending 15 minutes with it, you feel the sensation of emptiness and of nothingness. And I was stuck for a trance for a couple of minutes... aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.......
Valentines is just a week from now and I have no idea what to do! Man! What a dilemma! Well for me who has found THE ONE, Feb. 7 onwards is a set of tedious decision-making and extreme calculating. For us lovers, it's a matter of life and dirt. I had some many ideas brewing in my head but it was the uncertainty of feb14 that kept my mind at bay. Need help....
Well, as the day sluggishly moved on, I again found myself at bed. All them sleep gods were hard to fight and my stressed body was no match to their tempting offers. And of course, I found myself doing what I did half of the day... sleeping...
wake up wake up wake up
I thought it was an angel that woke me but as I opened my eyes it was just our maid. And to my dismay, she brought me tidings of ill measure, I was to go and tend to our store. I had no choice. I must set out on foot. As I near my appointed destination, one single thought clapped on my mind like thunder; it was my sweetheart's prom! Hhhaaaayyyy... i just hope i could dance with her... think of it, the love of your life is all pretty and dazzling in her senior prom dress and you can't be there to see her. Argh!!!! I would die just to dance with her or just even to see her...
Well, pathetic it may seem but that occupied the rest of my day. Thinking of her and thinking of tomorrow.
Speaking of tomorrow, I foresee something. I foresee excruciating difficulty. Maybe it's because of a trap, a Rat trap.
damn...