Friday, March 19, 2004
Love, actually...
It’s been a while... ever had that urge to write about that one thing that made your day so great, something called a "blog moment"? Honestly, when the end of the day comes, I always had that feeling. But of course laziness just comes along like a dagger in the chest. But I never thought that the day when I will end this slump of not posting anything will be brought about because of the pain I am experiencing now...
Imagine having everything working out for you, getting the one thing you really wanted in your life. Think of the day that you finally found true happiness. Imagine the joy of waking each day and having one thought in your mind - that you are so lucky to finally having found the one that makes you complete. Imagine the bliss, the exuberance, the fulfillment, the satisfaction of finally satiating the dearth in your heart... finally, you have found THE ONE...
Love, love, love... I once said that this love we say, almost everyday, is just an illusion that gives us this incredible sensation of happiness... I once said that when we sa "I love you", we really don't mean it that way. That rather, we're just saying that we like someone's looks, we like someone's demeanor, or we like someone, as a whole. Call me agnostic but that's how I viewed things after 3 failed relationships (all because of my fault). I thought that experiencing love at this age (teens) is so impossible. I thought that love as we teenagers know it is just a summation of minute electrical signals derived from various hormones that gives us this tingly feeling, this sudden rush of blood, whenever we find an attractive person. I thought that after experiencing and inflicting heartaches, I knew the truth about "love". I thought I was the one who has seen the light and that I am to bring light to those who are in the darkness of being "in-love". I thought I was right...... but I wasn't... I was down right stupid. I was too assertive and too naive to even comprehend the truth around me. Instead of seeking the truth, I was just forming this thick wall around me that would, ironically, shield me from the world and hide my vulnerability. I was a sick pathetic sissy boy. But now, I have finally found out that love is possible. And yes, I finally found love.
I realized that love is unexplainable. It is much too abstract than time, it is much complicated than any scientific theory, and it is more powerful than any atom bomb. It is what makes us wake up each morning. It is what makes the flowers bloom after the dew kisses its soft, delicate petals. It is what makes he birds chirp at cool morning breeze. It is what makes the ground below us hold on to it. It is what makes us live. Love, is the essence of life itself.
Yes, love is why I am writing right now, right here. Yet as love is what I have, it is hate that I behold. Hate, for myself. Why, you say? Imagine throwing a huge gold down the ocean... imagine spilling your only glass of water in the desert... imagine flunking because you forgot to pass a project... imagine thrusting a knife into your belly.. Imagine ruining the best thing in your life... imagine telling the one you love that whatever you have right then and there would not work out, for no reason at all.. Imagine... now tell me, don' I have the right to hate myself? Don’t I have the right to slap my face seventy times seven? Don’t I deserve to be mocked as the stupidest man alive? Well, I really don't know how much lashing I deserve, but one thing's for sure, I don't deserve her love... i am too stupid, too compulsive, too insecure, too weak, too afraid for her.. But you know what, even though this stupid guy doesn't deserve her, I still want her, I still want her in my life. I just don't know what to do if she ever walks out of the door and slams it shut. I just don't want to be alone again. But I know don’t have the right to be loved by her but I just want her to forgive me. It may be too much to ask but I really want her back... it's just too painful to lose that one person that could finally complete you. What can I say? She simply punctuates me. I love her so much...
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